Assume Nothing

A bell tinkles, announcing a customer's entry.

A glance gives you enough to profile him: black-rimmed glasses + purple v-neck + skinny jeans = anything vegetarian.

You take quick stock of your veggies, decide what to suggest, and step into view.

"How's it going?" you ask, grabbing a pen and an order slip.

"Not bad," he says, scanning the menu. "Can I get the Godfather?"

Shock jolts your system as images of mob bosses, bloody horseheads, and layers of salami, pepperoni, and ham swirl in your head around the face of this very small, extremely pleasant, soft-spoken man.

The shock isn't his fault -- it's yours, for assuming he was like every other man his age who dresses the way he does. This is what you get for assuming, for drawing boxes around people based on what you see.

You shouldn't assume anything -- especially when it comes to people.

Think about yourself. Have you ever had expectations pinned on you -- the kind that have nothing to do with social or academic achievements, but have everything to do with who you are and with what you do?

Have you ever felt burdened or tied down by the ideas others have about you -- to continue dressing like a tomboy or keep hating football -- when what you really want to do is grow and change?

By assuming things about others, you are doing the same to them -- and if they're conscious of it, you may be causing them to hesitate from personal growth.

Ongoing intro. In books, characters are gradually introduced by what they say and what they do. As the story goes on, they do and say more so you, the reader, get to know them better.

Let real people introduce themselves to you the same way.

Don't draw lines that don't exist. Don't "learn" things about them that they haven't taught. See each person as the three-dimensional human being they are -- and let them stand for themselves.

Expect surprises and leave room for growth. Just because he dresses like one crowd doesn't mean he can't eat like a boss. And just because you like T-shirts doesn't mean you can't do heels or a skirt.

People are always changing, gaining new interests, and exploring different things. Do it yourself and you'll be less surprised when you find that others do the same.

Don't assume. Leave room for change.

On a Limb

When you leave the place you spent most of your life -- the place where you have a history tying you to others -- when you find yourself surrounded by strangers, a realization hits you: friendship is ridiculously hard. Especially when you're starting from scratch.

At this point, you have to make a decision: either do nothing and take what life throws all by your lonesome self, or take a chance, put yourself out there, and possibly make the greatest friends you've ever had.

If you want to inhabit life, doing nothing isn't an option. What's needed, then, is a starting point.

First, talk to strangers.

This does not mean when a homeless man asks you for money, you ask him how he ended up on the streets and go on to tell him how you managed to dodge the streets and become a stock broker with multiple fancy cars and a home bigger than the White House.

Rather, converse with the barrista at your favorite coffee shop or with other people in line. Become a regular at a place you like and get to know the employees and other regulars. Find where people gather -- libraries, parks, etc. -- and join in.

Second, get involved.

Find community programs and benefits that interest you and join a couple. Make your existence known to the people you're living near. Stop being a fly on the wall. Start using your talents and skills to help others. Take time to get to know them in the process.

Friendship can't happen unless you have acquaintances, so make many acquaintances.

Third, take interest in others.

Your intentions can't be completely selfish. Yes, you want to be friends, but friendship is a two-way street. You can't expect a friendship to form and last if you don't care about the other person.

Once you've identified people you'd like to be friends with, demonstrate your interest by asking them about themselves. Start with the surface level, like hobbies and interests. As time passes and trust grows, you'll be able to go deeper and deal with the real stuff..

New friendship requires a willingness to go out on a limb without knowing whether the apple's good or rotten. But just as there are many fish in the pond, there are also many apples, limbs, and trees. In time, you'll be sure to pick a ripe one.

Just make sure they know you don't plan on biting.